the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
