Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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