i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
