I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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