Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
