barbara walters just said penis...
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
