I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
