I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
