I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
