Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
