Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
