Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize