So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Randomize
