....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
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No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
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I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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