from now on my penis is your penis
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
