I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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