Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
