i think i have two assholes
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
My vagina just recognized that song.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
