I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I FOUND THE LEGS
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
