My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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