Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
