my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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