if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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