just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
