so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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