I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Small penises have feelings too.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
