cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Randomize
