Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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