I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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