It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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