new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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