You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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