Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
