have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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