dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
