My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i permit you to call me
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
