After last night, I could never be a politician.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
is it fun? or sober?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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