Having a random hookup so left but love u
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
