FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
