Already got asked if we're dating
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Duck Duck Cougar?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life