Dude my mom stole all your condoms
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.