Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
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Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
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Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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