My nipple is on Facebook.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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