So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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