Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize