Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
