What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
