i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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