i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
