This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
you inspire me to be a worse person
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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