I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
