Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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