The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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