Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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