You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We're not piercing ourselves today.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
