i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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