i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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