How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Randomize
