i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
